Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
they're like a gay fantastic four
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
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