Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
