Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
