I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
