so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
