What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
