sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Say something about gay babies.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
