I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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