i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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