Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I currently don't understand fingers.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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