i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
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