You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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