I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
it's not cheating when I paid for it
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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