also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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