I'm lost and stupid without you.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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