It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
