that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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