the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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