I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
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Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
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Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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