Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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