So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Operation Purity has been aborted
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
did i just pee glitter
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
