Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
