Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
