Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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