Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
