Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
