And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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