watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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