I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
