I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
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Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
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I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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