You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation