I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
