are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
