i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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