I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
