I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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