Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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