note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
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