I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
