Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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