when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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