Pants 0. Shit 1.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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