zippers are such a cool invention
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
As shirtless as possible
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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