My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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