After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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