When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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