I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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