I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
