Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Randomize
