I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
we should paint friendship bongs
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