"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
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Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
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I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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