the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it