I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me