I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
