I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
