The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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