I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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