just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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