Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
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We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
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Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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