Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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