Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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