I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
